Exhale

why are they making a gossip girl series? The commercial makes it look so slutty. And the girl I think is from sisterhood of teh traveling pants...and I liked her! So now I'm just confused as to why a family station is making trash for young minds. I mean yea there are mature shows and such, but this show is intented for younger people you know? I Think I'm going to have a heart attack with my children and what they are going to possibly be exposed to. Well, if I get there =/ *sigh* I hate not knowing where the next however long will bring me.

Today my mom and I are doing to linins n things and pier one to look at things my townhouse will need! I'm excited. And one of my roommates really wants to decorate so will probably have a painting party when we move in which I'm really excited for the experience to bond with them over paint and wall decor haha. The room I have is this slate blue that basically matches with everything- I do like it but maybe one day I'll change it, though I dont want to spend the money on paint right now. But our bathroom has a navy blue cieling....so yea we have to change that if we don't want panic attacks that the bathroom is closing in on us when we shower haha.

I'm so grateful to be moving into what I believe will be a happy, positive, supportive environment but I'm dreading back to school...unlike most people I hear. The department is just too overwhelming for me. People are constantly judging you as a person by your musical skill...which I think is rude because some people dont learn as quickly as others and tht doesnt make them LESS of a person. None of my studio supports each other. I used to complement everyone I heard play, genuinely too, and they would tell me I had no right to be sick and miss a tiny performance. Hello, we're not at Carnige hall, and I'm allowed to be sick right? It's ridiculous that all these musicians define a support system as expecting a really ill person perform as opposed to covering the performance and wanting the ill person to get better. I mean isn't that just a little callous? Basically the environment makes me really stressed and upset, and then I find more things to complain about to keep myself from crying. But the thing is I dont want to complain. I dont want to be that person who only focuses on negative- and honestly there is so much out there in the world that is bigger than everything that most people dont have the right to complain that their steak is medium rare instead of medium well. *shrug* So I'm going to branch out in another major and see what that atmosphere is like, plus I would like something to go along with my music degree. And part of it is also socially- I want to meet other people who arent scrutinizing the model of flute I own or the rate of my double tonguing, but listening to funny anicdotes that I like to tell and playing mini golf or something. Because most people in school are picking a job to work to live, not live to work. As much as I would love my job, I dont want to live to work, because then look at all that life I would be missing. I was contemplating a tattoo, but I'm sure I'd almsot never get it because I'm chicken and I dont know if I could handle osmething stuck on me til death. Anyway I wanted to get a little white dove, for faith and hope and peace...mostly faith. Because I know at this moment in time I could find a million things wrong with the way my life is going, but I just keep telling myself that I need ot have faith and just live by each day so wondering about the future doesn't kill me. I need to have faith that everything and everyone I love will come back to me in full circle, because I deserve it. Because God must hear all that stuff going inside my head to know exactly what my goals are lol.

I used to write a lot of short stories. I think I might start doing that again when inspiration sparks me- because I remember it having a calming effect. And who knows, maybe I'll get so carried away I'll write a seven part series and be an international legend and have tea with Rowling as we chat about writing. LOL. Its a thought.

I hate having to parent my mom. I hate that she was just going to sit and mope instead of trying to find a ride. Whats ironic is that she called the airline taxi and they had something available and she said "i'll get back to you" instead of just booking it and cancelling it if she needed to. You know, airports completely overwhelm me. Especially if I were doing it myself or with children, but crying about it isnt going to make it any better you know? I'm going to have to do it eventually in life, and so is she, and better now than later. She knows that. She just doesn't try. And I admittingly hate trying certain things too-without my Dad or someone. But I do it. I figure it out so I know exactly what I'm doing the second time. I'm a product of my father. hah. I'm the leader of the pack...(ug)...minus the finances and the chores. Who needs chores?

Ok I'm not trying to be negative or anything. It's just I've been waiting and waiting for my Mom to take over certain things so I can be 18...almost 19 in a couple months. And how can I be 19 when I'm being a 50-yr-old to my mom? Let alone she isn't parenting my brother, who needs a kick here and there lately to do things. For instance she told him to paint the ceilings and hte front door before michigan...and go figure, we're leaving tomorrow and neither are done with the whole week to do it. you know what he did? watched wakeboarding videos on his laptop. And you know what he says to me when I very gently mind you, remind him that mom asked him to do this or that and he replies snottily "youre not my mom" or something like that. And he has been very judgemental of me lately of little things I say or do. It's not like I'm trying to be his mom by any means, I dont want to. But if my mom is going to take backseat as a parent but still have the same expectations of him then she needs to be the mom, otherwise I get stuck doing it and then BLAMED for Daniels inconsistances.

Ok still not trying to be negative! lol. The point is I'll be in Michigan til next Friday. I get to see all my Dad's family, my lovely cousins, ski, wakeboard, amusement park, shop, vist my aunts new farm, maybe ride a horse...!, and such. Hopefully it will be good. Because I need it to be good. I need to be away- it couldnt come sooner....except the departure time could hold off if it wanted...lol. I'll miss you guys. Text me fun things to remind me whats going on (but only good things lol like food or concerts or fun stories).

ps I sewed a shirt!! and its actually good. with help from leah. and I soloed on making a dress and its mostly done but HUGE on me even though I cut the pattern to my size...confusing yes but I'll get it done. its green and white and cotton and gorgeous. and my shirt is white with pink flowers that are teeny tiny.
ok love

bed

He used to put his arm around me and I'd fall onto his stomach. He would take me out to lunch when I stayed home from school. He always listened. And he always had the perfect story to reference.

It's weird to think that tomorrow, or the next day, or the next could be my absolute last. And I wonder would I be remembered like my father? Would I be genuinely missed or would I be just a memory that fades away? How do I last eternally in someone's heart when they don't want to feel?

I wish I could ask my Dad.

this commercial just said more and more women are putting off marriage. thats weird. but i guess maybe society, or people are unsure. if i know, i wont put it off. if i could jump ahead in time right now i would. i feel so antsy. i just feel like i'm ready but not all at the same time. bleh lol. theres a lot of technical things i need to learn about life still. well, since i cant time travel i guess i'll just go from now.

so i was cleaning out my inbox and i had messages from 2004! lol. most of them livejournal comments haha. And so i read some of them just skimming through and i realized two things. 1) livejournal is an outlet for teenage angst and its absolutely humiliating for anyone to look back at 3/4th of their old entries. and 2) its sad when people resort to being pathetic, pointless and cruel on livejournal (but also life in general). like remember the days when people who didnt like you for one reason or another would leave nameless comments trying to degrade you? put your fricken name if youre so honest right? i mean everyones had lots of petty moments, especially in high school, but there are certain levels of natural and overly agressive pettiness towards other people. I lied and realized a third thing. 3) i'm so glad to be in such a different, but better place in my life. Sure things were tough, but never as tough as livejournal lets it out to be, because again livejournal was just a source to let out the angst. If anything life has just gotten harder, and despite the fact that one of my best friends died and the other is thousands of miles away and nearly impossible to contact...I'm realizing so much more and instead of hating things im loving things. sure painting four rooms in a weeks time was irritating and hard and sore, but im so pleased with all the hard work i did (and leah!) And despite that a lot of people never grow up in certain ways, its ok. Because regardless of the way they treat people and their attitude on life, my priorities are incrediably different and nothing people can say or do will change the way im living and breathing. haha i love when people try to get me to adopt their idea of what my priorities should be. its hysterical. While I'm not completely at peace with a lot of things, which is understandable since it hasnt really been long since my dad, im living day by day. I'm living for the things i want to live for. Those little teenage angst things, and even now, just seemed so trivial. such a waste. Sofia and I were talking about how everyone in middleschool is unbearable and they just dont realize it. And then we were both like 'how do we still have friends!? we were so annoying!' haha. So thank you and your welcome. Because thats what friends are for, to grow out of silly phases with you. I feel so sad for those people who still live life complaining about the unimportant things still. theyres a time and a place, and anger and a relief. But whats life good for if thats all it is? If thats the only thing you can comfort yourself with? If all it is is silly 'drama'? Because admitingly, most people including myself need to thrive off drama to feel important or better or worth something. I think thats what a lot of some of the musicians i met thrive on. and it used to bother me, but im not there to prove myself to anyone but me. And if they want to whisper about who sucks at what and whos ugly and what not, then ok. their colors will show someday. Or as Earl Hicky would say 'karma'. yay karma. Every time i make an angry comment i end up triping or something. I like to think thats karma. And every time something lucky happens to me, i like to think thats not only karma but my dad. i dont know why i wanst in the car that day, but i think it was for a reason. Sometimes i wish i were with him that day, but not because i dont want ot keep going but because i shoudlve been there with him. Why was I the one that stayed behind? Why was I the one who even needed to go through this? Because i know plenty of people who needed a lesson in appreciating their parents more than i did. So whatever Im supposed to learn and grow from this, i hope God and my dad can see it. because i can feel it. i can see myself in hindsight and see who i aspire to be. My flute teacher Judy says she can see it. Every day. I know exactly what i want and have the ambition to go for it. Not that i didnt before, but i think I was also living other peoples ambitions. ANd my dad was the one who really appreciated my ambition for music and maybe thats why im not so afraid of following anymore. I hate that i feel like i had to grow up so fast in a short time, and somtimes i do want to be a carefree frivolous kid, but i think my dad would be proud of where ive one and who ive become. and i hope all my friends are too, and can notice it at least. I feel, good. Not perfect, not flawless by any means. i still get upset when people continuously treat me or my friends poorly to make themselves feel better, but not to the extent i used to. not because i believe what they say, but more insulted by the way they think its acceptable to continuously degrade people, without remorse. But more in control of how i treat other people, myself, love, dislike, think, feel, speak. i dont know how other people saw me in high school, or how they see me now. But i know how i feel and i can see how i've become a better person in a lot of ways. And you know, for the first time, thats enough for me.

i wish my dad were here. hes always so honest. he could answer me. sometimes i think hes in my dreams for a reason, like hes trying to talk to me or teach me or tell me something. is that odd? oh what do you know! haha theyre my dreams silly. hes my daddy.

im ready. im ready to be done with college, retain all of what i wouldve learned, have a job and just be able to teach. thats all i want to do. i just feel so alive and all i want is to make my kids feel alive and give them something so powerful, even if they never major in music. i want to know that in some way i made my students better people even if its in the smallest way. i want to be able to have the strongest impact on them, a good one, a positive one, one that makes them stronger players and stronger people. good people. i know not all of them will be easy and not all of them will become good people, but maybe one day when those slightly sour apples look back on their band director they'll realize what i tried to instill in them and then, maybe then i'll hit them. *smack* right on the forehead! i am completely blabbering now. but thats ok, because only a couple of things get me this giddy.

yay greys anatomy!

and jenni you should be SO PROUD of my painting skills lol. everyone is invited to show up whenever and gaze over my pretty walls.

i'm really glad i found his shirt.

it's funny how any one little incident can affect the mood of your entire day, week even.

Let me also mention the fact that he is 23....

So I'll throw in a why the hell did he as me, again.
So Saturday was a whole day of anticipating a night of ick. I got ready, got dressed up all nice, but even that didnt make me feel better. Normally I'm all for getting to dress up. So the whole day I'm telling myself This Is Not A Date and he comes to do the door....carrying flowers and a present...so I'll throw another 'what the hell' in. I think he said the flowers were for my mom at first, but then he started saying for me and I dont know. whatever.
So the dinner was going mostly ok. Chatty Chatty, meet people I'll never remember the names of. They're of course ALL older than me. Someone offers me a drink and I said that I can't out of habbit...and they look at me strangely...thank you. Yup underaged drinker right over here lets put a spotlight on me. Lets put a sign that says '5 year age difference' on me and this guy.
As the dinner/dancing continued people started to want to take pictures. Which is fine. I like pictures. What I dont like is people that I'm NOT interested and NOT Calvin Todd to remotely touch, hug, anything. (Not that Calvin and I love touching lol I'm just saying hes my best friend and doesnt weird me out). So this guy keeps putting his arm around me, and not my shoulder but my waist. And maybe thats prudish but I just feel like my waist is so violatory for someone I hardly know/is so old to touch me. He starts to be kinda flirty and hit my leg while I'm sitting.
So I decided I was going to talk about my love life, maybe dissuade him from the whole 'date' aspect because I never said it was a date and I never intend of ever dating him. So I'm like bla bla bla boys, relationships, etc making it more clear that I'm not interested and you know what he says? He says "we'll you're still young, it doesn't matter" and I'm sitting there going wtf? Ok Mr. Wisdom I'm just so young and got SUCH a full dating life ahead of me I should just climb on board wiht you despite my reservations to date anyone period? I'm not dating. I'm not thinking about dating. If I was dating I wouldnt think about dating a 23 year old who randomly called me up one day and I only agreed because I vaguely know him and food was involved and he kept asking me to go. If he's such an expert on relationships and 'true feelings' and all that crap why the hell is he going after a college freshmen? HM!?

So I go home at 11:30 even though he wanted to stay out til 4... but sorry I have church and I dont want to be out until 4. Uck it was just uncomfortable. He later told me he had gotten a free room at the hotel the dinner was in and I'm thinking ' Thank God I went home'.
Thinking the night was over, I was wrong because then the next day he came to help me move out of my dorm because he has a truck. Why him? I dont know he offered when I wasnt weirded out yet and I needed a truck. Leah was like 'Why didnt you just ask Guy'....and it made me want to shoot myself for not. ug. Plus it would have been fun watching Guy trying to carry my tv down three flights of stairs.

So after we moved out and went to my house for lunch, my brother and I started doing out immature teasing fighting whatever we do that we love but no one else gets. In my head I thought that that would turn off any 23 year old because yea it makes me look kinda immature. But no, did it? since then he's called me at least three time and texted me. I haven't responded to any which I know is rude, but I dont know how much more clear I can make it to him. I dont want to date now. My hearts in a funny place. And he keeps doing the 'friends' thing which is so stupid because I KNOW its not being just friendly. Thats how they all do it. They just say that its going to be a friendly thing having no concern for who or where your heart is with at that point or anything. The figure they'll just overcome all of that. Or at least he does. And that just annoys me. So I should just date every guy in sight now huh? Ug I'm thinking of lots of bad words. If there something I cant stand more than people telling me they 'understand' about my dad's death, its people telling me I'm young and therefore nothing I've ever felt really matters. But you know until youre in that person's exact situation no one can ever make a judgement call. So if you're judging me right now I'm laughing at you.

So if anyone is mad enough to tell this guy to leave me alone next time he calls, tell me so. Because I have no idea what to do.

She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God?

I dont know if that story was true or not, but I think it's a nice idea to hold onto. The groundwork is there even if this exact incident didn't occur. Today's service had the adult choir/orchestra and I liked the music much better, even if the more contemporary stuff is 'boppy' I guess. But silly music majory Kim just likes the non-english praise songs.

It's not that I feel alone right now, but I definately dont have that overwhelming sense of security of two men beside me that God sent to protect me, not even one at that. And I just hope God really has been listen the past couple weeks (at least he did when I prayed about my finals lol. So far I have all A's and one B+ in sociology, but I still have to hear back from 2 classes I think)

That story told me to post it and tell you all to post it if you believe in God, but I don't think asking someone to post a story somewhere really defines anyones faith, not mine either. I just liked the story.

I'm moving home for the next semester. I think that's what is best for me; I don't really feel like I'm missing out on the whole college experience or anything, but I did just get a headache from my mom nagging me to do this and that as if I needed guidence or what have you. And sorry to say I did snap, but I did try all day to hold it in, so I guess snapping a little bit at this point isn't too much of a failure with half the day over.

Christmas...we'll see I guess. It will be weird without my dad. Praying all goes well. Praying that the love I lost in so many ways begins to resurface, somehow.